Embrace the Paradox

Another Thing

Shall I lift my skirt up for you?
Let you peer down my throat
Probing with your microscopic glare
for error and harmony

Step in closer to inspect me
Good enough to be sliced and packaged
sold piece by piece by piece
Like that damn tree that just kept giving
til it was nothing but a dead stump

But it’s me doing it to myself
exercising my choice to choke and burn
in this funny little tap dance

You can always laugh it away
a guiltless pleasure
an “Oh well”
another thing to be forgotten
Before it tugs at you

Huffing in annoyance
Impatient for whatever’s next
it could be this, it could be that
it hardly matters
And yet somehow we do not miss the point
dull nub in its place, too numb to notice

So filled with silliness, our heads
the junk pouring out our ears
Noise jarring senses senseless
as we eat our heart and guts for breakfast

So Close

I can almost feel it
just outside my reach
scurrying in corners
Shaking my head
like I’m seeing things

I’m wide-eyed child
luminous pools take it all in
Then hardening into glass
impermeable and silent
Except for the sounds
come barreling from my throat

Echoing in staccato
I lose track of the beat
Feet walk with purpose
and mind skipping
an endless loop

Straggling along
delayed reaction without intention
Only movement and regret

Spiraling around
not necessarily down
A hard climb, at least so far
Pauses here and there
to cry and gnash
and start over

Little by little
I chip away
Fingers bloody
callouses yet to be earned

So close, hairs standing on end
until it collapses
in false moves
and second guesses

To be resurrected again

Still Laughing

Funny bone throbbing
a dull ache from a hard smack
This is serious!
and I’ve forgotten why
I need to wipe the smile
that smears across my face

You will make me pay for it
My casual insubordinance
jostling elbow digging in your side

Making up for my days of simpering
Oblivious abdication
of the space I am taking

Built-in cattle prod
Hand-wringing
and skittering movements
And other shows of weakness

Nothing personal
Not you, per se
Fill-in-the-blank authority
Wiping your feet on my path
The insults automatic yet well crafted
even as the thrill falls flat

How worked up shall I get?
Rally the masses to my cause
Only to be buried alongside you
if I am not careful with my words
I do not own it, cannot control it
Even as I ride this wave

I am not pretending good
My nudge nudge wink wink
too obvious a kiss-off
You will not back down from
the slap of my glove
And other wordless provocations

Smacking lips and picking teeth,
flicking scraps from my tongue
Taunting you in my quiet way
until you soothe yourself with my pain

Transient triumph
A swift kick to my ass
and I am knocked down
Foaming at the mouth
Cursing with mild surprise

You preen in easy courage
I brush the dust and straighten up
Clearing my throat of misery and sniveling

Touche old friend and hateful lover
I’m getting off at the next stop
Still laughing

Find My Way

Biting off my finger tips
I spit them out like used husks
Covering my ears with bloody stumps

Stepping back to see the big picture
I end up falling off the roof

It’s always there right in front of me
I keep trying to find some in
a shortcut or two
Freeze-dried and just add water

Lazy cheats by nature
Building marshmallow castles
Amnesiacs gorging on sugary walls
of a so-called home

Line things up real pretty
Put all the perfect ones on the outside
Hide the misshapen runts within
Who am I fooling anyways
Even the prettiest ones will rot

But I’m looking for the discipline
No longer scoffing at the work
Done with seeking the holy grail
Or some other glamour
At least until I trip myself again

Part of me wants to hold on
Strong scary flavors
Punking me for too long

Nothing can be memorized
Nothing can be swallowed whole

Trying to stamp permanence
into this illusory existence
Catching snatches of the flow

I know there is more
Moving towards, I fail to grasp it
Letting go and letting go
I find my way