Embrace the Paradox

Embrace the Paradox ~ Original Poetry © JA Valderrama

02 Oct 2016

Feeling Myself For You

Whether I feed it or starve it
It remains
This thing between us breathes
And beats with a life of its own now
An invisible cord that tethers
A bond, but not a bind
Ever so careful, we have been
It stretches, quietly reaching out
To touch us where it matters
Burrowing deep inside
Until we are both surprised
By its strength and resilience
And this steady allegiance
That asks for nothing in return
That simply wants to be as we
Take in one another, unannounced
But not covert, seeming to accept
The slow sweep of our gaze
Losing myself at moments
Swayed as I am by the sounds
Made by your fingers as
I watch the freckles and fair hair of your arms
Music coursing through our veins
And I feel your eyes on me
Noticing every little thing
Just like I do
A delight, bittersweet, at not having been let down
Of knowing that your honorable nature
Both draws me in and keeps me at bay
This shared reality between us
Like a secret paradise
Unspoken yet acknowledged in subtle ways
And the others fade into the background
To be replaced and forgotten
But you remain
Aware, always thinking, taking care
I can feel your mind at work
As you move with solidity and purpose
Releasing the beautiful sounds of your soul
With an ease I admire and envy
My eyes returning to you time and again
As if we are the only two
Really alive in the room
And I want to praise you and celebrate you
Give myself to you with my body
Which I have honed to a fine edge
In the time I have known you
Sleek like a cat with my ribs
Just beneath my skin
Feeling myself for you

Posted in embrace the paradox, love, platonic, poem, poetry and tagged , , | Leave a comment
09 Apr 2016

Look

There was that look
I caught it
What if I had not
Then none of this…
No denying, I had been watching
Just in case
The way one watches for a rainbow
And it lights you up inside
Because you didn’t expect it
Not really, more like just hoping
For a little magic
The buzz and crackle of current
Running through us and
We feel alive!
Not just going through the motions
Not just pretending for our keep
Our egos with blinders on
Steady in some mission

For a few hours it unfurled
Your words I can’t even remember
Just how my smile bloomed under your gaze
This sweetness between us
As I felt discovered by you
A warm bath sinking into
Beads of water on dewy skin
The taste of salt
And private senses opening

But I have been through this before
And knowing how this heat
Has nowhere to go,
in this small hot room
full of instruments
where we meet each week,
Eating itself up
Into a conflagration
Until it burns itself down
I tell myself,
after days lost in that look,
Not this time

And the next encounter
I do not beam
But smile politely
I do not watch for signs
But stay focused on my work
Holding the reins
Of this fiery passion
So that only a kind of love remains
A simmer, not a firestorm

When I see you, I feel it
Memory most fleeting, of a mere look
Brimming with possibilities
Intimacies enacted in imagination
Conveyed without speaking
In the movement of air, in our songs,
The smallest of gestures, tendered
And the unsaid.

Posted in love, platonic, poem | Leave a comment
02 Jan 2016

Right Here

I’ve been waiting for my baby to wake up
Years and years, we have walked together
Hand in hand, watching the world go by
There is no time, only a state of mind
And I am attentive to the signs
A flare of recognition
An opening somewhere
I wish to peel away the layer
Like dead skin accumulated
But I know I cannot ripe off the veil
For heroes are a fantasy, the hero knows
Each must come to it alone
The sunrise after the dark night

I drop hints anyway, extended like my love
As I learn to hop higher until I take flight
There comes the day: you are in it, if only for an instant
It’s like tasting food and only then realizing
That you were starving
You want to hold it but you cannot, let it go
Dropping away, falling down
It feels like the ground has been taken away
Was it ever really there, though?
Afraid, because it feels like death when you forget
Everyone forgetting all the time

We worry about what’s around the corner,
When the battle is right here
Not to stay alive,
But to stay awake
Eyes open even in sleep

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28 Jul 2015

Elegy

Desk cleared of any last trace
Bent paperclips, crumbs, and coins
Plastic widgets lost to wherever they once belonged
I chucked ‘em, and stuffed ‘em and wiped away
The evidence that I had once been
Here with you

Away from this city, daydream tripping in another land
Familiar to us both, at different times
I could forget for a moment
How much I missed this…
You

Because it almost felt like we were there, side by side
Walking streets I had grown up on, seen through your eyes
Our steps overlapping, like one image drawn over another
Didn’t they discover a hidden picture that way,
Drawn by one of the great masters?

Coming back now, it hits me, unexpected
As the dog downstairs whines mournfully
And that song plays, singing of possibilities
It is harder to be here, so close
Who knew that it would be like this

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25 Jun 2015

Goodbye

Strange how attention feeds hope
In turn, leading to disappointment
The bloom before the fall
When that which is given is taken away
Knowingness, effusive, if only for a second
A willful entering, leaving loss in its wake
Breaking earth like an excavation
Rooting for the truth

Less time for this feigned ignoring
A slight of eye, a trick to myself
But never ignorant,
For I feel your finger on the pulse
And I imagine the taste of you
The stripped down feel of you
My mind on the cusp of sleep, unguarded
Will you make me face my sadness again?

In the quiet moments, in the private spaces
There you are, like me
It thrums within us now, a life of its own
A parallel dimension of possibilities
Lived out, in sweet mundaneness, an invisible stream
Of real life zigs and zags, eraser mark marred
Not the hip perfection of the wispy mendacities
Twirling inside my head

And I could not help but notice
The gentle favor of your words about nothing
Fixed in memory, the way you say my name
A lingering I catch my breath to extend, though not for long
The hold between us, as if encountering a skittish animal in the wild
A reprieve lasting about as long
For hope is a brutal mistress,
Goodbye, and goodbye, and goodbye…

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24 Jun 2015

That You Exist

Can I just say how much I appreciate

That you exist?

All the things I do not know

All the conversations we have not had

A relationship defined as much

By the spaces between words

And the gaps between moments

For what was there to speak of?

Awkward smatterings and tokens

Created as an excuse to intersect

In small, but somehow important ways

And ticking down now

.

The air a heavy wind within me

Precious regard disguised in the routine

I have given up trying to hold on

Having worked hard, in fact, to let it die

Though it still arcs with hidden potential

Glistening, ambient, and charged

Careful now! Riding it out, patient to the end

No room for deviation, no quarter given or returned

.

I have thought of these final days, in wonder

Of how it would unfold

If one of us would break

Like an actor dissolving the fourth wall

Shouting out of character

Out of our thinking, bound up selves

Yet we remain still, in cool collusion

Poised, a moving freeze frame

An unanswered dare of waiting

.

At that point, soon,

Where we, as much as “we” ever were

Will be a footnote of the past

A shared, unspoken, fanciful thing

Fingers lightly tapping out a beat

A dream in our heads, unshakeable and persistent

A kernel in stasis, shiny and unbidden

I am not sorry for it, not one bit

For I am glad that I have breathed you in

I am glad that you exist

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07 Feb 2015

The Animals Know

The animals know

They can tell the difference

Between empty, walking shells

Who have not yet opened their eyes

And those whose hearts glow

With the flame of life

No, the breath and the beats do not terrify them

For as long as they can see that you see

That there is a soul stirring

An essence keen on the rhythms of the seasons

And the sounds of the cycles, the waves and the echoes

Not just a robot in the flesh

All reflexes and automatic action

Going through the motions

Head in the clouds of our minds

Reeling from one place to another

Locked in our skulls, lost in the dark

This is what scares the animals

The careless brutality

Of thoughts running away, and we chase

The whimsy feeding on itself

Like a snake eating its tail

The “Of course, of course!”

As we keep flying towards the sun

Always looking over there and not here

Following our templates, building our temples

In the ruins of the sacred we cannot see

Crushed in the grip of our grasping

Our fear of not counting and never existing

Walking shells, empty cells

Like zombies in the mist

We make it so

Don’t you remember what the animals know?

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15 Jan 2015

As Real As Anything

How is it that I feel so inordinately
Everything you do
It becomes the sphere in which I work
Tracking the space between us
Like a touch
Reverberating when the distance closes
Never not noticing when you are there
Eyes searching for when you are not

It had become unbearable
The constant simmer boiling over inside me
I thought I had enough of it
And wished it gone because it hurt too much
To want so badly what could never be
Like a figment of my imagination

I had relished that secret yearning once
A sweetness just for me
A spice to the mundanity
Before forces pushed and pulled me out of shape

First, your absence taunted my longing
The void pulling at my heart so
This game playing me!
Then circumstances spelled out further upheaval
Drifting, discombobulated, waiting for better times
Somehow it all made the yearning grow too bright
Loose grip twisting and hardening

I knew you could see my struggle
How I squirmed as if under hot lights
My knowing that you knew increased my misery
Embarrassed, exposed, I grew resentful
I could not wait to flee and hope
That we would both continue to pretend
Another layer of “nothing” there

Now that exigencies have been dealt with
The frame returned to normal
Relief comes like a sigh
And we settle down again
Into subtle appreciation of one another’s existence
A sense of being alongside

I feel your wake as you pass
Soft and light, the brush of a feather
The small moments become enough again
Collecting little scraps
Like tender tokens

But I am still startled at the depth of it
How much and how strongly I feel
When a moment lingers, carved out and expanded
Strange that this can feel as real
As anything

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09 Dec 2014

Delicious Nothingness

Is it possible

That after so many iterations

I can forget why I’m here?

Keep on as I must

With my forward motion

Content to slowly lose hope

To live in quiet gratitude

Or was it only a patient sort of waiting?

For there you are

A spark that persists

Each time still,

An again pronounced in memory

In the now of this moment

I feel the realness of this, this

It pulses, stirring, pointed with immensity

And I am caught up and wondering inside

As I let go of history, the chattering turning to static

In the background…

Until we find ourselves standing on this sea

Everything floating and flowing

I wish to sing! To laugh madly

To taste without consequence to the stories

Yours and mine

I use the force of my will

Letting these thoughts wander

They find their way in, like tendrils of vines

Seeking cracks and fissures

To anchor upon and nestle within

I feel the moment, savoring it like sweet touch

My head fizzing, legs shaky, but feet on the ground

Happy to let it simmer forever

A delicious nothingness

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10 Oct 2014

How Clear Your Eyes

I can feel you here

And I know that you know

i just want

.

it creeps up on me

The little things accumulating

Floating puzzle pieces finally fitting together

My ah-ha moment a spark searing through me

As I breathe deeply in and out

A tender sizzle sorta feeling

And I know then that you are with me

.

The soft blink of your steady gaze

Finger in mouth for no reason

Pulling on your lip

I stay quiet in my mind as I stare

.

Later on I will feel astonished by how affected I am

It is a squirming wincing thing

Embarrassed and yet delicious

Hunger tickling like a needle

Tracing the surface but never breaking skin

A secret between myself

.

Fluorescent lights and the human pens we find ourselves in

My eyes on you in the cold light of day

Can I still study you now?

After the swirl has run through me in a solo twilight

I bury myself then in the thick folds of blanket

Face pressed in, heart beating loud in my ears

Do I dare?

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24 Jul 2014

Ready?

We scrunch down and make ourselves small
Afraid to stretch tall where it matters most
We have seen what happens
To those who dare speak of a different way
Martyrs, it seems they all became

Instead we pretend to be bold
By spouting off the same old jargon
Under the latest veneer
The braggadocio and tough talk

As if it’s courage and not quivering
That drives us to threat displays
Flashing around symbols of power and coercion
Like gold-toothed sharks feeding on frenzy

We are not ready, how can we not be ready?
Stunted in our growth as a species
Doubling in on ourselves
Tender love for humanity, aching in my heart
I am not one to dismiss us as a mistake
Though so often we seem out of step with creation
Little lost children defacing our playground
Forgetting who we are or where we came from

But I am getting too tired to be afraid
That clean feeling of being utterly spent
Liberating me from pretense and denial

Perhaps it is not too late for us
To stop skulking in the shadows
Like masters of darkness

Posted in compassion, embrace the paradox, metaphysics, mindfulness, paradox, poem, poetry, polarity, Seth, tripping and tagged , , | Leave a comment
11 Jul 2014

Magnets

In my dreams, I turn and turn
Trying to catch a glimpse of myself
I know I am there, just out of reach
My eyes repelled to the sight
Like two magnets opposing one another
For a second, I will myself through
Only to recoil in a momentary panic
The nakedness unbearable
Receding into the unspoken
Indescribable and forgotten

But the dreams keep coming
Hinting of the impenetrable
Perplexing me with the feeling
That I am missing something
Beyond a foggy veil, a mental cataract

The mother turns her gaze away
As if she could wish it all to be well
The child learns through what is not said
Yearning for more, feeling with fingertips
That force, like magnets
Pushing away from the truth

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29 Jan 2014
1 Comment

Ever

I hear the melody, joyful and brash
A sweet sadness overtaking
Lyrical nostalgia, memory and aliveness
The thrumming beat of belief and import

Three years ago, notes broke the mold
A new era heralded, blazing like the sun
Yet there is no stopping and so we marched on
Enveloping, revising, overlooking
Forgetting much, buried in the now
But not the Now now, lost in the ticking of the clock

Then that tune plays again and I catch a glimpse
Like the thrill of a deep, rich breath
Cool air filling lungs with secret hope
It had seemed impossible then, to stretch that far
We did it somehow, glory ripening into old news

I am astounded by this so-called ordinariness
Of coming and going, beginnings and endings
The moments like waves, bringing tears to my eyes, ready to overwhelm
Others lament and deny, but to gasp at the tragic beauty!
To know, to feel, to be
From fresh darlings, daring and tender
To history done on our wistful skin
It is everything

Posted in embrace the paradox, metaphysics, mindfulness, paradox, poem, poetry, polarity, tripping, Uncategorized and tagged , , ,
18 Oct 2013
2 Comments

Trip

I am four years old and cannot stop staring at my reflection
On the side of the chrome toaster
In the bottom of my cup
Warped into curves, an oblong alien
Those dark eyes peering back at me
Like a stranger who I should know

I call my first dog Tripper
I don’t remember why now
His big floppy ears and mournful look
I used to spin him around in a shopping cart
Until they sent him away to the pound

I start school and the older kids bug their eyes out at me
I guess I am staring
This big wide world which constantly stuns me
How does everyone act normal anyway?
I narrow my eyelids like everyone else
But my knees give out and the teacher asks if I’m doing a dance

Getting used to this body,
Reigning in movement, learning the rules
Still loose limbs and softness
Bent into myself, tasting the salt of my skin

Alone, on my own, I learn how to find pleasure
The nooks and crannies, the swell and push
I use the mirror to tease myself
My body a planet, terrain to be mapped
Seasons to be followed
Budding, supple petals of a flower
And the sweet musky scent soaking in

Later on, I share myself with others
But somehow something feels lost
My first love, myself, misplaced
And so I mine my body
Natural resources exploited
Like a mountainside stripped raw

I find my way back before it’s too late
Now, eyes wide open in cool healing waters
Anointed with compassion, for all that I’ve done
I no longer feel it is a waste
To leave myself alone
To keep myself to myself

I am older and look at the young people
Boys and girls like ripe fruit
Remembering the feel of my own ribs
The lushness of so much, too much, not enough
That ever present heat of bloom
I am supposed to be jealous, to hold on
In garish pretence, but I am done
Even before the looks have left me
Yet I feel the sing of their fresh bodies
And they look at me like they know I know

My dreams become more vivid as the years pass
The mystery of life opening up to me with its secrets
And strangers I meet make me wonder
If one day we will remember together

I see a father in the park
Lifting up his little girl, two years old, in a dress
She giggles in her ruffles, spreading her legs
Doing splits in the air
I hear him tell her, “That’s good,
But next time, keep your legs closed.”

I tell myself there are reasons
And I refuse to be blind with my faith
But all the suffering wells up inside me, the endless tears
And I cannot sometimes, I don’t know how we all go on
What saves me is knowing that whenever I ask
I am answered

I am walking down the street
When I spy the old woman
Wearing tight leggings
A sparkly shirt with no bra
Bright red lipstick smeared like a clown
She is demented, I think to myself
Then I notice the four behind her
Two boys and two girls, teenagers out in the city
The biggest boy leers
“Look at you sexy. You get all dolled up for me?”
He says loud and ugly
I am angry but afraid
If he’s willing to heap scorn on a helpless old woman
Then what will he do to me?
I feel the weight of my cowardice burning in my throat
The old woman walks on, smiling in a daze
Almost as if she were being praised

Posted in compassion, embrace the paradox, feminism, metaphysics, mindfulness, paradox, poem, poetry, polarity, transhumanism, tripping
16 May 2013

Around and Around

All the ways I can think of to get away from myself
Busy hands mapping anywhere but here
Roving eyes flitting but never staying for too long
I see what I am doing but then I bolt again
Nervous jaw chewing lips raw just to feel something, anything
Then weariness descending like a fog until I am swathed helpless

How are we supposed to do this?
I am afraid to slow down to stillness
Scared of what I might find
Lying there suspended in mid air
Until the tears clog up my passageways
Too weak to sprout, but not weak enough to ignore

The fingernail grip and panic dread
The stagnant weight

Warriors, weary and bereft of magic
Lost amid the constant rebuilding and forgetting
Done with this world and yet cowering before the next
Yearning to soar, to glide with affectless delight

Promises of freedom cool, the healing waters of a baptism
Why then does it always collapse into a hardness and puffery?

A gritting of teeth as the glory fades and headaches set in
The surface remains the same
But the essence, the underneath, shifts with tricks
So slippery, the meaning, the feel of it when it’s right

Trying and trying
Lost and found then lost again
Tinkering in the dark
Around and around

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08 Feb 2013

Fretful Gardener, My Love

When did you decide to become an old man?

Doubled down in your fear

Shielding yourself from the answers

To questions you have forgotten you asked

My love, I want to shake you awake

Breathe life into your eyes

How you used to tremble with your visions

And we were giddy in the whirlwind, you and I

For I said yes when you extended your hand

 

Now I carry you close to my core, my sweet boy

Feeling the flutter of your pulsing heart

Reassured by the solidity of your body

How where you end and I begin merges into hush

How shadows bloom to green when we are together

Sturdy vines and musky flowers winding and rooting

 

You, the fretful gardener

Poking, prodding, pruning

And me, bursting through each pot

Luminous growth tips reaching for more

You never fail to find a new way to contain

To hold, not ensnare

Grip steady delicate, so you

Even when my thorns prick

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31 Dec 2012

Alive

You can tell when I’m fighting it

Can smell it in my words

Oddly enough, the bliss is harder to describe

It takes more skill to catch the flow

Than wrestle in my own skin

Afraid the bliss will overwhelm me

Every cell of my being buzzing

Cosmic orgasmic

So cloak it with shame and forget it

Boast of my pain instead

Yet here it lies underneath

Pulsating with the intensity of emotion

Breathing, hot and cold

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29 Dec 2012

We dip the cup

We dip the cup in the Stream

We freeze solid whatever flows in

Holding it in reverent fear,  like precious cargo

It melts, pooling in our palms

Dripping between our fingers, numb from cold

We act surprised, appalled even

Frantic in our belief that if it had truly been sacred,

It should have stayed frozen.

Buried in our blindness

Craving the deadened

 

They warn us against having a messiah complex

A diagnosis of delusions, of wrongness like food gone bad

So desperate to keep us quiet, our power harnessed and invisible

Casual but constant reinforcement of the lie of our ordinariness

Cut off from our own magic, embalmed with pills and pretty things

Suckered into apologies with derisive laughter and pitying looks

Our hands at each others’ throats in mutual strangulation

We watch the glow of our eyes fade with sick fascination

A little voice cries, fingers trembling, body shuddering

Until we try again

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21 Dec 2012
1 Comment

Scrubbed to Dead

Sitting on a park bench

Sparrows flitting about

Soft sound of feathers fluttering

They hover before me

Surprised, I hold my hand out, testing

Scaled feet curl around the fat of my finger

Reaching out to take a bit of cookie

So carefully, their beaks never touching my skin

I trill in delight as they jerk about

A serendipitous serenade that cannot be bought or packaged

While crows and hawks swirl high above

A maelstrom of wings swooping and whirling

 

It stares us in the face

We blank it out

The richness around us

The petty annoyance of life

Disturbing our stricken slumber

Too deep, too real

Repelled by the earth, confused by the taste

Pulsing muscle and embarrassing secretions

Subtle smells masked in disinfectant

The riling mess behind neat curtains

The squirming dirt beneath the new rug

So taken in by our difference

By the promise of our nervous chatter

 

I sit on a park bench

Others nearby lost in their phones

Hunched over in blue light oblivion

Kicking away the birds like trash

Designer dogs with shampooed coats at their side

Overpriced shoes jabbing at the air

Caught in the shallow thrill of forgetting

Lab rats pressing that lever for cocaine

Again and again until nothing remains

But this feeling that something is missing

That we are walking phantasms

Lulling ourselves into fancy objects

Waiting in vain for the shiny perfect gates of heaven

Scrubbed to dead smooth surfaces

Basking in our shopping mall dream

Posted in embrace the paradox, metaphysics, mindfulness, paradox, poetry, polarity, Uncategorized
16 Dec 2012
1 Comment

We are all switches

We are all switches

Flipped in different directions

Somehow one combination more precious than another

We forget we can turn them on and off

With thorny pride or bedraggled shame, we cling

To fleeting identities like sinking ships

Even though we can swim

If only we would loosen our grip

If only we could feel our nimble strength

The gentle bob of our bodies as we float

Through stillness and swells

Shadows and feathers wafting down to greet us

And the brush of strange lips as fish test out our flesh

 

Cringing away from the contact

We do not dissect our friends, or so the logic goes

Instead, we thrash against the drag of our hook

Fighting against fatigue, fighting to stay asleep

Finding our enemies, picking at our own skin

Creeping in every corner, spooked to fainting

To the pounding rush in our head

Running like the blood in our veins

As if we do not belong here

Sinning because we are sinners

Our stubborn hold on some uncracked code

Stupidity mistaken as sacred

And it waits for us

Singing quietly

To tell us who we are

Posted in embrace the paradox, metaphysics, mindfulness, paradox, poetry, polarity
08 Dec 2012

Cut Out My Own Tongue

Like if I cut out my own tongue

As if I could run from freedom

Too afraid to believe that my stories matter

What have I done, in hasty retreat

Defacing my dreams with a casual ease

Ratcheting up the blur and noise

To cover the siren scream of my heart

At least I have still have a voice

Not yet scraped to shredded bare

Though wary from everyday abuse

The cold curious gleam of vivisection

Raw twitching machine to stunted eyes

Obligatory torture to stymy my presence

Floating far away, to be anyone but me

How boring it must seem, our scramble to be less

Only so many times I can worry about the state of my dress

Waxing my ego to a fine sheen, false prophets enlisted

To carry me, feet off the ground, nerves lost in sticky thought

Forgetting what has brought me here, forgetting who I am

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05 Dec 2012

Topsy Turvy World

When everyone thinks it’s normal to sell your soul

Cutting up bits and pieces like trinkets

Processed and preserved into a pretty souvenir

With all the grace of a stuffed tiger, acrylic zombie eyes

And we think the headhunters were barbaric

Maybe it was just that they could see into the future

We make the macabre mundane

Laughing at screams, content in living death

Our hearts wrapped so tight, a disembodied beat

We float away in our precious heads

Banished to the phantom zone, by choice and neglect

Applying layer upon layer to this peeling paint veneer

Not daring to go near to what lies pulsing beneath

A topsy turvy world, a stuttering lapse of reason

As truth claws its way back, plucking at our pain

We call the signs neuroses and psychoses

We weave mad lies, in perpetual hide and seek

We tear at our own throats, make a grand show of it

But still, it remains as it always was

And there is nothing more to be done

Only undoing

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03 Nov 2012

Careful

You tell me to be careful

But you do not say why

As if these lies could comfort me

Smothered in it,

The warm embrace of darkness

‘Til glassy-eyed, we cannot see

 

Polite evasion of barbaric acts

Masked in protocol and detergents

Bowed in apology for our senses

We will erase the unseemly sights

Remaining traces haunting

With the onward press of truth

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01 Nov 2012

Invisible Glue

They do not clap the loudest for you

But I see you

Quietly holding it all together

With subtle glances,

words that bridge,

and a smile which meets your eyes

A twinkle of wry sadness in your gaze,

corner of mouth hardened in a smirk

the only tells of the tears and tatters

peppering your journey

 

You are never the first or last

Others seem to forget that there must be a middle

The meat we dig in, the medium of our communion

But I have not forgotten

the way you weave peace with your presence

filling space with soft tendrils of kindness

like the light touch of feathers across skin

sometimes drawing goosebumps or jittery giggles

though never blood from a too-easy intrusion

or the spoiled baby rage we mistake for power

 

I salute you

Shadows follow where light falls

Lines are drawn to make sense

Things contained, categorized

Limitlessness hidden in definitions

Limits pinned and labeled into existence

Reality hacking our way on this plane

But you know, my unsung one

The invisible glue

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13 Sep 2012

Here

We keep looking for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

We keep pointing to things outside ourselves, saying this is it!

We keep chasing, stumbling and grabbing

shaking and demanding the secret

This rigged game

Even the kings and queens cower in their beds

insecure and unknowing

Living outside our heads

No, dreaming is not a bad thing

The fault lies in thinking there is an exception

a magician’s slight of hand

that will get us there

Where?

There is only here

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12 Sep 2012

Divinity Incarnate

We are all in this small room together

Can you feel it?

The gentle shimmer of leaves in the wind

The thought of hot breath against young flesh

The ebb and flow of a thundering heart

When I forget to forget

 

The bright dark luminescence of a fall dusk

when every outline seems crisper

and noises slow in the thick air

 

When you are alone

revealing yourself to yourself

as if awakening again,

saying hello to an old friend

 

Or when you are with a lover

consecrating, celebrating

twisting and inhabiting mind and body

kaleidoscope smear and sparkle

telescoping consciousness

to the earthy smell of sex

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29 Aug 2012

Limping but Unswayed

When I cannot get a word in edgewise in my own mind

Already chock full of splattered thoughts retched out of me

Lumpy words clogging my throat

Heart aching from an unnamed strain

The thread of my composure unraveling

‘Til patches of the hidden show through

As you protest at the obscenity of my bared soul

You tell me to show myself, to not be afraid

Yet you quake in annoyance at my truth

Cutting me off with a pitying smile

Canned repartee to silence my awkward ways

“If only she didn’t open her mouth”

It makes it so much harder to pretend

But I go on

And you, with your nervousness disguised as disdain

Soft spots prettied up with glittering thorns

Majestic in glib superiority

Needling me weary

I am limping but unswayed

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23 Jun 2012

Another Thing

Shall I lift my skirt up for you?
Let you peer down my throat
Probing with your microscopic glare
for error and harmony

Step in closer to inspect me
Good enough to be sliced and packaged
sold piece by piece by piece
Like that damn tree that just kept giving
til it was nothing but a dead stump

But it’s me doing it to myself
exercising my choice to choke and burn
in this funny little tap dance

You can always laugh it away
a guiltless pleasure
an “Oh well”
another thing to be forgotten
Before it tugs at you

Huffing in annoyance
Impatient for whatever’s next
it could be this, it could be that
it hardly matters
And yet somehow we do not miss the point
dull nub in its place, too numb to notice

So filled with silliness, our heads
the junk pouring out our ears
Noise jarring senses senseless
as we eat our heart and guts for breakfast

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22 Jun 2012

So Close

I can almost feel it
just outside my reach
scurrying in corners
Shaking my head
like I’m seeing things

I’m wide-eyed child
luminous pools take it all in
Then hardening into glass
impermeable and silent
Except for the sounds
come barreling from my throat

Echoing in staccato
I lose track of the beat
Feet walk with purpose
and mind skipping
an endless loop

Straggling along
delayed reaction without intention
Only movement and regret

Spiraling around
not necessarily down
A hard climb, at least so far
Pauses here and there
to cry and gnash
and start over

Little by little
I chip away
Fingers bloody
callouses yet to be earned

So close, hairs standing on end
until it collapses
in false moves
and second guesses

To be resurrected again

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20 Jun 2012

Waiting

I wish I could have saved you
From the harsh absurdity of words
carrying power beyond sense
Crazy making test
No you did not ask for this
who does?

Don’t listen to them, I say with my eyes
etiquette preventing me
Foiled by hesitation
and unearned deference
this sick pretending

Waiting for you to grow up
wondering how it will turn out
The marks you will carry
the things you will bury
the things to be undone

The burden of guilt weighs on me
with twisted pride, my badge of love
And bitter shame at useless tears

Can you see that I see you?
in your pain
I cannot do enough to stop it
weary with prayers for your escape
I want to blot it all out
but force myself to stay

They say there is only so much I can do
but they do not see the endless plea
in your little eyes
already scrambling to hold on

Hatched in this subtle prison
mirages conjured
to soothe dirty conscience

When every other thing is wrong
rejection becoming the only means
to carve out a bit of freedom

And so I watch and wait
for your baby soft flesh to stretch and grow
for the words to make less sense
for you to see that I see
and that you can be in truth

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14 Jun 2012

Still Laughing

Funny bone throbbing
a dull ache from a hard smack
This is serious!
and I’ve forgotten why
I need to wipe the smile
that smears across my face

You will make me pay for it
My casual insubordinance
jostling elbow digging in your side

Making up for my days of simpering
Oblivious abdication
of the space I am taking

Built-in cattle prod
Hand-wringing
and skittering movements
And other shows of weakness

Nothing personal
Not you, per se
Fill-in-the-blank authority
Wiping your feet on my path
The insults automatic yet well crafted
even as the thrill falls flat

How worked up shall I get?
Rally the masses to my cause
Only to be buried alongside you
if I am not careful with my words
I do not own it, cannot control it
Even as I ride this wave

I am not pretending good
My nudge nudge wink wink
too obvious a kiss-off
You will not back down from
the slap of my glove
And other wordless provocations

Smacking lips and picking teeth,
flicking scraps from my tongue
Taunting you in my quiet way
until you soothe yourself with my pain

Transient triumph
A swift kick to my ass
and I am knocked down
Foaming at the mouth
Cursing with mild surprise

You preen in easy courage
I brush the dust and straighten up
Clearing my throat of misery and sniveling

Touche old friend and hateful lover
I’m getting off at the next stop
Still laughing

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12 Jun 2012

Find My Way

Biting off my finger tips
I spit them out like used husks
Covering my ears with bloody stumps

Stepping back to see the big picture
I end up falling off the roof

It’s always there right in front of me
I keep trying to find some in
a shortcut or two
Freeze-dried and just add water

Lazy cheats by nature
Building marshmallow castles
Amnesiacs gorging on sugary walls
of a so-called home

Line things up real pretty
Put all the perfect ones on the outside
Hide the misshapen runts within
Who am I fooling anyways
Even the prettiest ones will rot

But I’m looking for the discipline
No longer scoffing at the work
Done with seeking the holy grail
Or some other glamour
At least until I trip myself again

Part of me wants to hold on
Strong scary flavors
Punking me for too long

Nothing can be memorized
Nothing can be swallowed whole

Trying to stamp permanence
into this illusory existence
Catching snatches of the flow

I know there is more
Moving towards, I fail to grasp it
Letting go and letting go
I find my way

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06 May 2012

Grace

I find myself
Clad in black
Head to toe
Black hole heavy
Absorbing the light

Air hot against my eyes

Day too bright
I trudge along
Becoming shade
Out of sync in the sun
Clinging to darkness

Something’s missing
Been too busy to notice
Buzzing like a bee
Ready to sting – watch out!
Ready to pull my own guts out
To be the sucker in my punch

And now the dry day hangs over

Grace has left me
Because I kicked it to the curb
Belly twists in a cry as I think this
Outrage bursting into boil
Brutal fists pictured pounding
To abuse these gifts…
You don’t deserve…
What if it is lost forever?
Harshness clawing at my head
No,no,no
I cannot
even
fathom
With a choke in my throat
Heaves with nothing to come up
Just bareness

One second later
Crow caws echo off hard surfaces
As I walk in the shadow of buildings
Coolness enveloping me
Half wondering if I am hearing things
I look up to find the source
Exactly at my destination
Black feather sheen
Curved beak and sharp eyes
Peering down at me
As if to say
See, lost no more

And I am overwhelmed
With gratitude
With knowingness

I, victim and punisher
Self flagellation
In the name of a god
fragile enough to shatter
Holding my breath
Block out the sound and sight
Trying to squeeze life out of rocks

Humanity’s insane alchemy

Not forsaken
Only forgetting myself
The silence there to jog me
Neither to abandon or rebuke me
Reminders in their absence
That I have fallen
Off the path

Gentle nudges
To bring me back
To where I came from
To what I once was
Before all the doing undid me

A baby before words jumble truth

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05 May 2012

The Price We Pay

If I knew then what I know now
I wouldn’t be me
I’d be someone else
How can I see that all this
Is meant to be, even the stuff
That stings and burns
The price we pay
The pain that stays
Lingering
How hard we try to rub out the stains
Denying our history
The tears that tear
We pull back
At the thought of it
And leave joy untouched
The price we pay
The pain that stays
Lingering

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27 Apr 2012

Blundering for entrance

I can’t even lie to myself anymore
The distractions and diversions
So obvious now
Tired tricks falling flat
I should be happy
But part of me wants to go back

Keep standing on this ledge
Heart in my throat
Knife pointed at my back
Trying to talk myself out of it
Because I’m so goddamn scared
Like some helpless prey
Waiting to be picked off

Ceiling painted an endless sky blue
To fool and soothe the eye
To dull and lull into retreat and resignation
But I’m still searching for clues
Even while my fingers trace the trap door
Not knowing what I’m feeling
No words yet for this new language
Ensnared in the idea of my great escape
I ram my head against it
Drowning out the sounds
Shutting out the signs
Blundering for entrance

The panther paces in a locked cage
Fierce tension coiled, ready to strike
My stomach roils
In a storm of frustration
Gearing up for a fight
Who’s going to win this war?
Watching me bleed
Draining away
Prickles and then numbness
Gone to seed

This would almost be laughable
Flailing around, spitting up
Mutters and bitter guffaws
Gnawing at me, stripping me bare
My march to fossilhood
And once again
I decline the dare

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26 Apr 2012

We Ramble

We ramble and stumble
Hop, skip, and jump

Drift and climb

Settled and aligned

Fading in and out

I know what I’ve chosen
Not a steady path
But zooming ascents
And slipknot plunges

Blinking and reeling
From near misses
Bold kisses leading to
Temporary blindness

I am not sorry
That I rejoice in the raw brilliance
Even if it means
That darkness comes next

The movement of the sun brings shadows
I bask in its golden glow
Skin simmering just so

Coasting and swooping
Almost flying
My heart beats keeping time

Sometimes bleeding through
The edges
Sometimes weeping pools
In my eyes

I know what is at stake
Better defeated than undreamt
I take sides in this
Raging against the dying

A warrior for love
Tickles soft and sharp
Petals seeping over bones
The musk of newness and decay

No turning back
From this beautiful mess
This stuff called life

The Force resides
As the battle
Within

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25 Apr 2012

Can’t Always Be

I slump heavy
Aching everywhere
I’m so tired of giving in
Wasting time
This isn’t a joke

I gasp out, all rigid borders
Keeping it together on the outside
And screaming within

How do I not judge myself as weak?
How do I keep from slipping again?
It’s when I forget and fall asleep
Laughing as I creep to the edge of this cliff
Coaxed by sweet nothings whispered in my ear

And yet I am too scared to fly
I will!  I will? Not ready, need more time…
Not now, not yet, damn it
Growing impatience
Curling inside me

Help me to make the most of this life
I know I cannot do it alone
Whenever I ask, I am answered
But sometimes it’s hard to hold onto hope
And I am sick of my pleading

I know this is how it is
Fists calloused and tender
Pounding against a wall
That feels like a dead end
Why is it always when I’m on my knees
Almost broken
That it comes to me

Forgive me
For I am truly thankful
I just can’t always
Be

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18 Apr 2012

If I Stare Too Hard

If I stare too hard
it becomes the goal
instead of the inspiration

Hugging it to me
In desperation
Vehicle becoming object of desire
A thing of worship
The promise of salvation
Through numbness and breaking

Crunched down in denial
It is too much and I am not enough
At least that is what has been whipped into me
The scars lie
Catching my skin before I can stretch
Always bluffing
Ready to turn on me in my sleep

If only I remembered what I once knew
It would feel so familiar
It would taste like home
But nothing stays as it is
Dreams collapsing
Shifting, morphing

Spaced out
Complacent
I am lost to it again
This delicate balance
This moving target

Sculpting out of air
We hack reality
Words become deeds

Eating and drinking
Sacrament in name only
We hear the truth
And crush it in our embrace

The more I try to focus
The less clear I see
Face pressed against glass
I do not notice the steam
Of my own breath

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12 Apr 2012

The Day I Forget There’s A Battle

The day I forget there’s a battle
is a day I lose
No, I do not need to fight
But I cannot deny what is right in front of me
Though I do, with the sureness of logic
Blind sight filling in the gaps
and erasing that which does not fit
Checked out eyes glazed in attention
To the something which is nothing

I do not stop, I just keep going
Acting without seeing
Doing without being
I am addicted, I tell myself
Another story to amuse, explain, excuse
Anything but settling down
into truth

Help me to see
By grace and through love
I am so close
to already being here

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07 Apr 2012

Storm

Wake up dull
Day feeling off
Face buried in pillow
Foiling the morning brightness
Not even the chattering songs of the birds
To carry me from this growing unease
Can I scramble back into sleep?
Dreams welcoming
With open eyes and open arms
Showing me what I cannot yet see
Only remnants to prod me
An aftertaste ebbing in the light

But no, the wall is solid now
Up, up and away
My heart revving
The wings of a bird fluttering in my chest
Feather tips beating against rib cage
Nowhere to fly, no room for breath
Fear coloring thin air
Scanning for traces of sin
Heavy as it feeds on itself
Echos of a wail

If only I could breathe

Knots twitching tight against sinewy neck
Guts crawling up throat
Heart in a fist, nails digging in
Mouth pressed shut, line curving down
Pulled by the weight of gravity
Slogging along, shrill voice lashing
Rebar dragged on concrete
Bones scratching skin

I cannot smite it out
I think I can I think I can
Running away from me
Gulping air into belly
Hands out to steady
And feel what I cannot sense
But which I know is there
There are signs everywhere
If I can stop the spinning
And just look

The rise and fall
Rhythmic infinite
Waves lapping against shore
Shifting moon glowing in the sky
Blood pulsing through my veins
Always movement
Endless and ever new
Beneath our feet
Slightly out of reach
Beginnings and endings
Circling back, you will see
Nothing to be done
Only here to be

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05 Apr 2012

Lost & Found

When I am in this
Time is my enemy
Ticking away, slipping away
As I remain stuck
Frozen stiff like a statue
Shining red eyes glued to the screen
Watching the same things
Over and over
With barely a crusty blink
As I sink
Further down this hole

There is a balance
between compulsivity
and creativity
I take things in to spark the flame
to fuel the engines of my vision
But sometimes I get lost in it
Cannot put my finger on it
The lapsing of lucidity
in my waking dreams

Enthralled in the taste of it all
Guzzling it down like all tomorrow’s parties
Purpose falling into pure process
Means become ends

I am sick of trapping myself
Tricky, tricky me
“It’s not that easy,” I say
Taunts to keep freedom at bay
The more I fight
The more I stay

What, do you want me to surrender?
Fall into the line marked Martyrs
Breaking our backs for a blessing
Seeking a reprieve from the loaded gun
Cocked and pointed at our hearts

Fierce truth relentless, hot breath on our backs
Victorious in the end, but no gloating
Only the sound of stillness

And I cannot defend this anymore
When everything seems so turned around
Searching, searching to be found

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03 Apr 2012

Huddled

Pacing back and forth like this
we could spend our whole life stalling
I’m not prepared to die like this
in the comfort of these padded walls

I tried to take a pill for it
to drop down down into it
With all my might, zeal barely concealed,
to what’s real, or at least how I imagine it
A few moments here and there
of ecstasy and forgetting
is not the same as getting it

And I don’t know anymore
Did I ever?

Dogs chasing tails
barking, growling
wagging and whining
whimpering, howling
We scratch and paw
mouth jawing at that bone

How did it come to this
pointlessness…

Tracing my shadows
Whispers of meaning
clinging to me
as I wipe them off
Like drops of water

Will I let them in?

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