Blundering for entrance
I can’t even lie to myself anymore
The distractions and diversions
So obvious now
Tired tricks falling flat
I should be happy
But part of me wants to go back
Keep standing on this ledge
Heart in my throat
Knife pointed at my back
Trying to talk myself out of it
Because I’m so goddamn scared
Like some helpless prey
Waiting to be picked off
Ceiling painted an endless sky blue
To fool and soothe the eye
To dull and lull into retreat and resignation
But I’m still searching for clues
Even while my fingers trace the trap door
Not knowing what I’m feeling
No words yet for this new language
Ensnared in the idea of my great escape
I ram my head against it
Drowning out the sounds
Shutting out the signs
Blundering for entrance
The panther paces in a locked cage
Fierce tension coiled, ready to strike
My stomach roils
In a storm of frustration
Gearing up for a fight
Who’s going to win this war?
Watching me bleed
Draining away
Prickles and then numbness
Gone to seed
This would almost be laughable
Flailing around, spitting up
Mutters and bitter guffaws
Gnawing at me, stripping me bare
My march to fossilhood
And once again
I decline the dare
Embrace the Paradox 