Embrace the Paradox

We Ramble

We ramble and stumble
Hop, skip, and jump

Drift and climb

Settled and aligned

Fading in and out

I know what I’ve chosen
Not a steady path
But zooming ascents
And slipknot plunges

Blinking and reeling
From near misses
Bold kisses leading to
Temporary blindness

I am not sorry
That I rejoice in the raw brilliance
Even if it means
That darkness comes next

The movement of the sun brings shadows
I bask in its golden glow
Skin simmering just so

Coasting and swooping
Almost flying
My heart beats keeping time

Sometimes bleeding through
The edges
Sometimes weeping pools
In my eyes

I know what is at stake
Better defeated than undreamt
I take sides in this
Raging against the dying

A warrior for love
Tickles soft and sharp
Petals seeping over bones
The musk of newness and decay

No turning back
From this beautiful mess
This stuff called life

The Force resides
As the battle
Within

Can’t Always Be

I slump heavy
Aching everywhere
I’m so tired of giving in
Wasting time
This isn’t a joke

I gasp out, all rigid borders
Keeping it together on the outside
And screaming within

How do I not judge myself as weak?
How do I keep from slipping again?
It’s when I forget and fall asleep
Laughing as I creep to the edge of this cliff
Coaxed by sweet nothings whispered in my ear

And yet I am too scared to fly
I will!  I will? Not ready, need more time…
Not now, not yet, damn it
Growing impatience
Curling inside me

Help me to make the most of this life
I know I cannot do it alone
Whenever I ask, I am answered
But sometimes it’s hard to hold onto hope
And I am sick of my pleading

I know this is how it is
Fists calloused and tender
Pounding against a wall
That feels like a dead end
Why is it always when I’m on my knees
Almost broken
That it comes to me

Forgive me
For I am truly thankful
I just can’t always
Be

If I Stare Too Hard

If I stare too hard
it becomes the goal
instead of the inspiration

Hugging it to me
In desperation
Vehicle becoming object of desire
A thing of worship
The promise of salvation
Through numbness and breaking

Crunched down in denial
It is too much and I am not enough
At least that is what has been whipped into me
The scars lie
Catching my skin before I can stretch
Always bluffing
Ready to turn on me in my sleep

If only I remembered what I once knew
It would feel so familiar
It would taste like home
But nothing stays as it is
Dreams collapsing
Shifting, morphing

Spaced out
Complacent
I am lost to it again
This delicate balance
This moving target

Sculpting out of air
We hack reality
Words become deeds

Eating and drinking
Sacrament in name only
We hear the truth
And crush it in our embrace

The more I try to focus
The less clear I see
Face pressed against glass
I do not notice the steam
Of my own breath

Lost & Found

When I am in this
Time is my enemy
Ticking away, slipping away
As I remain stuck
Frozen stiff like a statue
Shining red eyes glued to the screen
Watching the same things
Over and over
With barely a crusty blink
As I sink
Further down this hole

There is a balance
between compulsivity
and creativity
I take things in to spark the flame
to fuel the engines of my vision
But sometimes I get lost in it
Cannot put my finger on it
The lapsing of lucidity
in my waking dreams

Enthralled in the taste of it all
Guzzling it down like all tomorrow’s parties
Purpose falling into pure process
Means become ends

I am sick of trapping myself
Tricky, tricky me
“It’s not that easy,” I say
Taunts to keep freedom at bay
The more I fight
The more I stay

What, do you want me to surrender?
Fall into the line marked Martyrs
Breaking our backs for a blessing
Seeking a reprieve from the loaded gun
Cocked and pointed at our hearts

Fierce truth relentless, hot breath on our backs
Victorious in the end, but no gloating
Only the sound of stillness

And I cannot defend this anymore
When everything seems so turned around
Searching, searching to be found

Huddled

Pacing back and forth like this
we could spend our whole life stalling
I’m not prepared to die like this
in the comfort of these padded walls

I tried to take a pill for it
to drop down down into it
With all my might, zeal barely concealed,
to what’s real, or at least how I imagine it
A few moments here and there
of ecstasy and forgetting
is not the same as getting it

And I don’t know anymore
Did I ever?

Dogs chasing tails
barking, growling
wagging and whining
whimpering, howling
We scratch and paw
mouth jawing at that bone

How did it come to this
pointlessness…

Tracing my shadows
Whispers of meaning
clinging to me
as I wipe them off
Like drops of water

Will I let them in?